06/10/25

Maybe I have the post vacation blues like Livy calls it. It’s all fun and games, then back to reality. I’m thankful to be busy and working so much. I fell off from my housework. Trying to catch up and get my house to where I like it. Yard work is next. My lawn looks like shit. I need to start watering everything too. I don’t want the plants to die. My indoor plants need some love too. I’ve been revisiting old Kanye albums too. Graduation and My Dark Twisted Fantasy. They’ve always helped me boost my confidence in times of depression. I’m not depressed right now though. I’m just heartbroken. I’ve been praying to stop caring about him. I’ve been doing the work and I feel a lot better about myself, my confidence, and my mental-health. I know the changes I need to make. I acknowledge the growth I’ve been making, and have gratitude for the enlightenment I’ve gained through this period of sadness. It’s weird I’m in a paradox of feeling like I like staying busy with work to keep my mind off things, yet I never have time for my own work. Also slightly reclusive. I don’t want to hang out with people I want to read, write, and work on my business. I’m at a point where I’d rather write and essentially talk to myself, or rather visualize my thoughts than talk to my friends. Visiting the boys makes me want to move back to the bay. I came back supposedly to be with family but I don’t really even do that. I can always visit whoever I do want to see. It’s nice having my own place but I feel like I want to get out of here. I wonder what’s here for me. I want to leave. Make new friends. It’d be different. I’d be in a better headspace, have my own room, and actually have a license. I’d even be down to get my own place out there. I wonder if I could find something that’s about the same price range. Or if the boys would even have me there again lol. Or even potentially with Livy. Who knows things may just level out here too. I’m just trying to run away I think. Ready for a new beginning. I think it’s different when you move somewhere and don’t have friends it’s because you haven’t established yourself. Here I guess I just feel alone because the friends I have are usually too busy or don’t make time. I just have to keep busy too or make new friends. Either way I can’t move anywhere until January. I’m just exploring my options. I’m getting better though. Day by day it’s going to get easier for me. It’s hard when you imagined yourself with the person you’ve cared about so deeply for for long. I have to accept the reality of what it really was, and how it’s over now. I think that’s why I’ve been fantasizing about moving away that’d make it permanent. There’s still a small part of me that has hope that he’ll reach out to me.

06/09/25

So tired right now. Woke up at 7, packed up all my shit, grabbed coffee, gas, and zip ties to put together my car lol. Made it home with 20 min to get ready for work. I hope my sleep schedule is fixed now though. I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight. I feel like I’m living on fumes and coffee. Caught up with Chris, Livy, and Robert on the way back down. I was tripping out on Robert’s friend. I see a lot of similarities between us. We both got our DUI’s around the same time, she got a lawyer and hers was reduced to a Wet & Reckless. They told me she’s still drinking and driving and now she’s in this toxic relationship with this very controlling person. I admit I was having a hard time this weekend I think because I took a break from my reading, writing, and healing work. I had an awesome time over there. Lots of laughter and bonding. I’m so grateful to be surrounded by so many people who love me. I’m grateful to be able to have free time, a car, a license, and be bodily able to go and do the things I did, and saw. I just can’t help but miss him. It’s hard though because I see Robert’s friend’s situation and reflecting on the path she’s on in comparison to me it’s jarring. I need some time but I know things ended for the best. If we hadn’t ended I would’ve never started this healing journey, I wouldn’t have reached out to the boys, and I wouldn’t have gone this weekend. Even having to take accountability and suffering the full consequences of my DUI - I’m grateful for all of it now. Not that she needs my pity, but I feel bad for her that she’s on this reckless path. It propels me to continue what I’m doing, and also be more appreciative for things not working out. Everything happens for a reason. I needed to do this healing work. Seeing what she’s done, and the ways she’s acting out of desperation and fear of being alone, highlights the way I was acting. I’m thankful to have willpower that I didn’t have. I still had an amazing time and didn’t feel the need to drink, or even tempted to. I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come.

06/06/25

I’m better than I was a few weeks ago. I think about him less, and less. I still think about him though. I miss him. His smile, eyes, his touch. Wrapping my arms around him. Kissing him. I’ve been doing this work every day and I am better. I feel more like myself every day. More confident, more loving with myself, soft, and gentle with my heart. I know missing him is contrary to that progress. Wanting him means denying myself the things I know I deserve. I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them. I’m disappointed that there’s lingering hope in me for us. I wonder what he’s doing, and how he’s feeling. If he thinks about me the way I think of him. I had stopped praying for him, out of spite. Not just for him, but for the people I pray to. I’d prayed to my Tia Lupe and spoke to her about how I know it was hard for her walking through life alone, and how I didn’t want that for myself. I told my Grandpa to acknowledge the loneliness he felt after he’d lost my Grandma and Carmelita; how he felt alone in the house before I’d moved in. I wanted them to acknowledge the loneliness I’d been walking with. To help me because I’d never cared about anyone like this. I thought I was being gifted a blessing, what I’d been asking for. I guess I was being foolish. I was so thankful to have him back. When 222 appeared I thought it was fate. I thought it was a message of divine approval. I know I have to trust that things are working out as they are meant to. I’m still trying to find meaning in this. I think it happened so I can go through this self-healing journey to love myself. I have nothing to lose from loving myself. I’m hurt that I felt that I was getting what I thought I wanted only to have it ripped away. Like I was being teased, taunted almost. Maybe they were tired of me asking for something that was never real. I guess I got what I wanted. It just wasn’t what I thought it’d be. They just wanted me to see that for myself. I didn’t believe my friends when they told me. I didn’t believe anyone when they told me about Isaac either. I need to learn my lesson. I’m disappointed in myself for having faith in him. It was hard to believe them when I saw and felt such light in him, around him. I have to light my own path. Every living creature on this earth dies alone. I have to find comfort in my solitude. I can’t have expectations for others. Life will get better for me if I let it. I have to remind myself that this chapter is closed. I need to move on. Hope that there’s better out there for me. I need to be better, the best version of myself. I wasn’t the best version of myself. I’m pushing forward. I’ll get there. I haven’t stopped praying to them. I pray for myself, my family, my friends, and loved ones. I pray for him too. Not for him to be with me anymore, but for him to try to find himself, the way I’m trying to find my authentic self. Anything’s possible.

Looking forward to this weekend. It’s going to be good for me to get my mind off things. Laugh with people who I love. Catch up and see, experience new things. Can’t wait for pride. Seeing Livy. I’ve been praying to Dona Julia for her too. Life is good. I’m very blessed. Trying to focus on gratitude for the love I do have, and have experienced in this life. No one has everything in this world. I’m not without love that’s fersure. Sometimes I just wish it was more than just familial or platonic. My time will come. I’m happy I’ll get to be surrounded with love and acceptance this weekend. Excited to make new friends, and visit old ones.

06/05/25

I finished my book yesterday morning before bed. I’m always sad to finish a book, it means I have to start a new one. It threw me for a loop though. The main character that I thought was going to end up with the guy that got shot in the head, didn’t even really care about him the way I thought. Things aren’t so black and white. Even if I were to get together with someone that’s not to say we’d be together forever. They could leave me or I could leave them. Married - not married, kids - no kids. It’s like she was just with him to pass the time. I mean to an extent she liked him enough to have him around and to have sex with him. It almost seems like it was just something to do, something to pass time with. Meanwhile, he thought he was falling in love. He had no idea that she had lost her brother, and lover at the same time to a terrible hunting accident. Their shared best friend accidentally killed her brother and went to prison. He never thought she’d forgive him so he refused to see her in prison, and couldn’t face her after he’d gotten out. She never even told the other guy about her brother getting shot. She said she just let him talk about himself and his experience about getting shot. She never went to him, she just let him show up and things played out as they did. I don’t think she ever thought 25 years later the real love of her life would show up and apologize for everything one night. What are the odds that he hits a roe-deer like the one he and her brother were hunting? What are the odds that he finally has the balls to face her? It just made me think that life is really just random and playing out as it should and timing is crazy. The universe is crazy. You just have to trust that things are playing out as they should, as they need to be and everything will work itself out in the end. It’s like when I was on my hike yesterday and I was reflecting on how proud of myself I am. I was happy that even though my plans with my friends fell through. I was okay. I was able to find comfort in the disappointment and make my own way. I knew I needed a day to immerse myself in nature. I had wanted to do it with them. At the same time though my friend reminds me a lot of the person I’m trying to forget about right now. Maybe it was divine intervention and seeing her and potentially hearing about him would have thrown me off my course of self-healing. The old me would scramble to find someone else to go hiking with but I didn’t. I was happy to go by myself. To venture past the point of Skyline that I had ever gone. For a moment I thought to just stay at the creek where I relaxed the last time, but I said to myself, “No, let me see how far my legs will take me, I can always turn back and head back the way I came.” Before I even reached the creek I got a text from Jon V asking if I wanted to paddle boat. I told him to come through and meet me at Slick Rock that I was already at Skyline. He was shocked I went w/o them. I told him I thought he was bailing. I had taken my headphones with me to listen to music but I remembered how I had seen something on the internet about people being pissed that fellow hikers go and listen to music loudly when the purpose is to listen to the nature sounds around you and they’re disturbing the experience for those around them. I also remembered the coming back to yourself challenge and the silent self-date. I had my headphones in my fanny pack but when I was texting him back and taking my phone in and out of my fanny pack they had fallen out. I didn’t even realize they were missing until I was coming back down the mountain. I was bummed about it at first and really unsure of where they might be. The sun was going down and I had already been on my way back down the mountain for quite a bit. I didn’t want to go back and look for them, and it had already crossed my mind that they had probably fallen out when I first took my phone out to text him early on in the hike. I was already constantly scanning the ground for snakes, and knew that if nobody had picked them up I should be able to see them plain as day. I came back down to the creek. It was hot and I wanted to cool off and read at least one chapter in my book with my feet in the water. It was getting dark but I told myself not to be scared. I finished my chapter, and started towards my car. I picked flowers, watched butterflies dance around me. I accepted that I probably lost my headphones. I told myself that if they were meant to be mine again, they would be. If I didn’t find them, that just means I needed new ones anyways (they are a little bent lol). I still kept an eye out just in case, but wasn’t counting on it. I thought about what kind of headphones I’d get next. The same kind, or the over the head ones. How I was almost done with my book, and how I’m excited to join a gym soon. Then before you know it, right where I thought they’d be around the bend where I had first taken my phone out. I was meant to have them back. Regaining my trust in myself, in the universe, and finding comfort in the fact that I can’t control everything; I don’t need to control everything. Everything is playing out as it should. I was shocked to hear from Oscar today lol. I’m not asking him to hang out again though I’m okay if we don’t. Whatever happens, happens. I’m grateful for the butterflies of excitement, the possibility of a new beginning, and the flattery of someone so handsome/talented reaching out to me to compliment my photography. His curiosity about me. I had forgotten about how we were supposed to have just a 10-15min conversation to see if we’d vibe before we hung out, that turned into over an hour. My heart wasn’t in it the first time we saw each other. He’s so handsome and there’s so many things I like about him, but I was still longing for someone else who had broken my heart back in August. Now that I’ve closed that chapter of my life, and started the journey of loving myself I can see beyond it. The sun setting on one part of the world is a sun rise in another. My love and growth for myself has relieved me of my desperation to be chosen. Given way to acceptance and trusting that what is mine, will be mine no matter what. Also writing that letter to myself called deleting the fantasy helped me to realize that I was in love with my own imagination. The love I felt was actually a reflection of the love I was putting out. The person I cared about never felt the same way. I can’t force anyone to love me, or to want to help themselves. I can recognize disrespect, and lack of prioritization. I was choosing to ignore it when I should have been choosing myself and self-respect. I was crediting him with all of the work that I was doing. I got myself a better job, I got myself to the place that I’ve been wanting to be. I’m still doing the hard work. I’ve been in love with myself and my own capacity. It was just misplaced.